Museum of Twitter

The District Demon @IntergalacticQ Nov 12, 2020

How my mom made me pump her gas when the DC sniper was active

🌸🌺 Queen J 🌺🌸 @HeyMissQueen 1d

What’s a story you can’t wait to tell your grandkids?

0 0 0

This Tweet has been deleted.

d. @CALLHERDIARA Jan 4, 2021

i do not support all women. some of you bitches are very dumb!!!

0 46K 246K

ℳatt (matttomic.bsky.social) @matttomic Dec 3, 2019

It's a good thing we named most of the dinosaurs like a hundred years ago when all we were into was mythology and speaking Latin, if they just learned about dinosaurs now and had to name 100s there'd be a Heckin Chonkosaurus and a Northern Thicc Scaleyboy

361 12K 45.5K

Josh Robin @joshrobin Apr 15, 2016

More @HillaryClinton in East Harlem.

87 437 812

Chuck Wendig @ChuckWendig Jul 10, 2019

WEDNESDAY. The day you flumpty-foo! And you think boopty-bop and zippity-zoom but the truth is, razza frazza wuzza wooza. What I'm trying to say is, maybe your brain isn't working either, but that's OK, because you're great. PS you need a firmware upgrade in the form of "coffee."

51 304 1.4K

baekhyun thinker @occultkyoong Apr 11, 2021

why mafia isn't a fucking aesthetic: a thread

106 2.9K 3.3K

moeeze @seigfridge Apr 11, 2021

i cooka da pizza

18 89 664

baekhyun thinker @occultkyoong Apr 11, 2021

go fuck yourself, for real. i cant with these people anymore. i hate you all from the bottom of my heart. ignorant pieces of shit

12 14 283

Kaiser Chirpy @Chirpy89605714 Mar 15, 2019

Why does ha make hot but hoo make cold? I’m talking about mouth wind

13 452 705

ristolable @ristolable Aug 13, 2014

What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.

0 0 0

Steven Crowder @scrowder Oct 19, 2026

This is the ideal make body. You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like.

1.3K 5K 2K

Tom Bro Dude @tombrodude Nov 1, 2014

one time in 2006 i was in the Eagles locker room after the players left and i saw Andy Reid eating a football with a fork and knife

24 2.7K 4.9K

blupman. @blippoblappo Apr 26, 2014

REPORTER: Mr. President, what's your favorite Wu Tang album?

OBAMA: What kind of question is --

[biden grabs podium]

BIDEN: LIQUID SWORDS

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stefan heck @boring_as_heck May 30, 2015

[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good

1.6K 36.4K 68.5K

Trevor Moore @itrevormoore Jul 8, 2021

When I die I want the obituary to refer to me as "local sexpot".

140 2.1K 6.8K

nathan fielder @nathanfielder Jul 11, 2015

Out on the town having the time of my life with a bunch of friends. They're all just out of frame, laughing too.

148 14.8K 46.7K

Haus of Decline @hausofdecline Apr 30, 2023

Every man secretly believes they can win any fight if they just go "berserker mode"

396 5K 54.7K

Tim Pool @Timcast Sep 10, 2025

Source tells me Charlie is stable.

Please god

9.8K 49.8K 217K

Trill Withers @TylerIAm Sep 27, 2018

I think Shaq would do a commercial for genocide if the check was on time

96 3.5K 12.2K

Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump Jun 4, 2014

Are you allowed to impeach a president for gross incompetence?

24.5K 251.3K 177K

olga @NOTolgaa Jul 17, 2024

if your leftist queer space leaves no room for me, the most mean aggressive annoying anti social person you can imagine so i can constantly make everyone walk on eggshells around me as a sign of some sort of moral superiority, is it really a safe space at all 😥

26 2.2K 23.6K

??? Guess Not @TheMattChuChu Feb 20, 2021

POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call

203 12.8K 171.5K